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What I am about to write will cause most of you to have very deep opinions. People tend to live on one side of this debate or the other. Those who have crossed from one side to the other feel that it is a character flaw to accept this lifestyle. Those who are naturally on one side or the other find themselves in polarizing viewpoints. Those who see this as a deficit in my life, those who see me perpetuating a bad lifestyle within my family.
I wrote this back in January... I didn't intend to publish it at all, but after a moment of truth on facebook, I've decided it is time.
I am a fluffy, chubby or baldly stated FAT woman. I am tired of being silenced by those who find my chubbiness a character flaw. I am tired of being silenced by those who run to live, those who wish to discuss my sin.
Maybe, I am most likely to speak out because I have not spent a lifetime overweight, I was not trained to be silent. I grew up thin... and hungry. I grew up saying no to everything, no I don't eat sauce, I don't eat donuts. I don't eat... I grew up in shame... hating it all, the shape of my leg, the roundness of my face.
My mom who loved all things, could not love herself. She wished to be thinner, she wished to be more sexy and at the same time disdained the sexy side of life as not glorifying the God whom we loved and served. She ultimately spend a lifetime being hungry and trying to love the body God gave her, always falling short, always looking sideways at the skinny girls. I never once heard her say that she loved her body. She felt it was a moral failing to be fat, to be imperfect in this way. I remember thinking that I would find my way out of shame.
I make you uncomfortable when I say I'm fat. I make you even more uncomfortable when I say I don't mind. This amazing body has given me such a great life. I have been so blessed with health. You find it hard to believe me... You can't understand how I can love this body just as it is, I know that loving who my body naturally wants to be has been a gift. I know that living, eating, breathing has given me grace.
You will say that I'm encouraging unhealthy behavior with these words... I say we all need to hike, walk, stretch, sweat and love. Strength is my friend and I will continue strength building behaviors. I know that in the days ahead I will thinner at times and you will wonder... but to be sure I am passing the halfway point of life and my days of being silent have ended. If in the future I find myself at a weight that does not read obese on the chart it will not be because I have dedicated myself to a not-eating plan or to body pounding exercise that I must perform 7 times a week. It will be because life has come full circle as it often does.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Mine
It's a curious truth... the way we refuse to look bondage in the eye. Or trade one form of bondage for another. The way we tell a grieving person to be glad their love is no longer in pain, or to rejoice that they didn't have to get old and die in agony.
We are an emotional shape-shifting people. Someone else's pain betrays our own, someone else's truth shines a light into our corner of darkness. Never once considering that our truths are all different, that our beliefs are formed from experiences... and that none of us can truly understand. We can only relate in some way, only understand in part.
And so we find ourselves atop an island, adrift, afloat and alone. Refusing to tell our truth, refusing transparency, refusing life... because we know to tell the truth, to feel our pain lays us bare to your judgment, to your misunderstanding... to your refusal to believe there might be a life with a different experience in a different time and place.
And so we smile, post another picture, share another mocking poke at our humanness and leave truth in the bottle. Like a mad genie waiting to be uncorked...she whirls and twists. I can not defend it, I will not give it accolades... but my soul knows your truth is not for me. For me, your thoughts are bondage, I will not wear them.
The time arrives, the genie must go.. she must be allowed to emerge and do her work. And so I release truth and watch as she whips you all into your own frenzy of righteousness. But, in me the genie brings peace and I wear truth as my favorite gown for she is beautiful. She is mine and I am hers. I am not bound by your constraints for my experience is mine alone.
It is a new spring, life blooms as truth finds me faithful to her call. I have spoken aloud the thoughts that run through my head. Instead of fear that you won't know me I've given them voice instead. Pure heady joy... for I am strong and walk in dignity. I am not broken to accept what is mine...I am blessed.
We are an emotional shape-shifting people. Someone else's pain betrays our own, someone else's truth shines a light into our corner of darkness. Never once considering that our truths are all different, that our beliefs are formed from experiences... and that none of us can truly understand. We can only relate in some way, only understand in part.
And so we find ourselves atop an island, adrift, afloat and alone. Refusing to tell our truth, refusing transparency, refusing life... because we know to tell the truth, to feel our pain lays us bare to your judgment, to your misunderstanding... to your refusal to believe there might be a life with a different experience in a different time and place.
And so we smile, post another picture, share another mocking poke at our humanness and leave truth in the bottle. Like a mad genie waiting to be uncorked...she whirls and twists. I can not defend it, I will not give it accolades... but my soul knows your truth is not for me. For me, your thoughts are bondage, I will not wear them.
The time arrives, the genie must go.. she must be allowed to emerge and do her work. And so I release truth and watch as she whips you all into your own frenzy of righteousness. But, in me the genie brings peace and I wear truth as my favorite gown for she is beautiful. She is mine and I am hers. I am not bound by your constraints for my experience is mine alone.
It is a new spring, life blooms as truth finds me faithful to her call. I have spoken aloud the thoughts that run through my head. Instead of fear that you won't know me I've given them voice instead. Pure heady joy... for I am strong and walk in dignity. I am not broken to accept what is mine...I am blessed.
Monday, January 20, 2014
A few lessons along the way...
Just a few years ago I was that mom... the one with dark circles under her eyes and a cheerio stuck to the butt of her jeans, fighting to stay calm, focused and loving, clean and joyful. Working to grow healthy, happy well-adjusted adults. (Just in case you are wondering I never did master it.) Then one day I woke up and I was the old mom.... it's really not a bad gig if you can get it, the only downside is that I'm finally enjoying it all in my clean house and now they begin to leave me.
I've always thought that the sweet coming of age show, The Wonder Years probably should have been called The Crazy Years. Our oldest beloved Jackie has been gone for years now, has two beautiful munchkins of her own and is living her own version of the crazy years. Next we have beloved girlies 18, 14 and 7.
One lesson sticks out to me above the rest, one thing I wish I had understood. Nothing trumps PRAYER.
We can trust in HIS everlasting goodness.
In the middle of it all as we fight to give these beautiful kids the best of life. As we fight to overcome our tendencies to live in our own pain, breathe in and pray. Pray it all out as you lay down at night, rise with a prayer for mercy and thanks for the grace. As you feels tears threaten to run down your face, bless the Lord and pray. When you hear the sound of your yelling voice echoing back to you, pray. Ask for what you need, no shame, admit that you are not enough. When there are problems you can't solve, when your house is so trashed your chest feels tight and your stomach reels, pray. Throw yourself on everlasting mercy, trust in the unseen.
Psalm 34
Of David.
1 I will extol the Lord at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
2 I will glory in the Lord;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
3 Glorify the Lord with me;
let us exalt his name together.
his praise will always be on my lips.
2 I will glory in the Lord;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
3 Glorify the Lord with me;
let us exalt his name together.
4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
6 This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
6 This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
8 Taste and see that the Lord is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
9 Fear the Lord, you his holy people,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from telling lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
9 Fear the Lord, you his holy people,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from telling lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
15 The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
16 but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
to blot out their name from the earth.
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
16 but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
to blot out their name from the earth.
17 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the Lord delivers him from them all;
20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.
but the Lord delivers him from them all;
20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.
21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
22 The Lord will rescue his servants;
no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.
Psalm 40[a]
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.
4 Blessed is the one
who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.[b]
5 Many, Lord my God,
are the wonders you have done,
the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
they would be too many to declare.
who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.[b]
5 Many, Lord my God,
are the wonders you have done,
the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
they would be too many to declare.
6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—
but my ears you have opened[c]—
burnt offerings and sin offerings[d] you did not require.
7 Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.[e]
8 I desire to do your will, my God;
your law is within my heart.”
but my ears you have opened[c]—
burnt offerings and sin offerings[d] you did not require.
7 Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.[e]
8 I desire to do your will, my God;
your law is within my heart.”
9 I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips, Lord,
as you know.
10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.
I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness
from the great assembly.
I do not seal my lips, Lord,
as you know.
10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.
I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness
from the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord;
may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased to save me, Lord;
come quickly, Lord, to help me.
may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased to save me, Lord;
come quickly, Lord, to help me.
14 May all who want to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.
15 May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
be appalled at their own shame.
16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
“The Lord is great!”
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.
15 May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
be appalled at their own shame.
16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
“The Lord is great!”
17 But as for me, I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
you are my God, do not delay.
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
you are my God, do not delay.
Monday, December 30, 2013
The Divided Woman
Today as I was driving home I was thinking about how often it seems that as women we begin to feel like we have lost ourselves. I'm good at finding things, just ask the kids or Doug... life is a litany of, "Mom, do you know where my ____ is?"
It's no wonder we can only see shadows of who were, and who we thought we would become. With each passing day we give ourselves away in little pieces. Pieces that we fully invested ourselves in, pieces of me. We struggle to connect in meaningful ways with each of our children. We invest time, attention and heart. We struggle to be a helpmate to our spouse, leaving behind pieces in order to love him in a meaningful and full way. Life alternately loves and hates us and we remain resolute in our intention to love those who come into our lives.
It seems our children become teenagers and find most things about us distasteful just as we feel almost invisible, like we've given it all away.
I find myself struggling to love them all, the little one, the teenage ones, the adult daughter, the granddaughter, the husband. They all require something different in order to feel loved. I find myself in an internal struggle to stay in the game, to not call time out.
So many versions of Heidi, so many pieces of me. I recently found a box filled with letters all written in my 20's. It gave me an amazingly clear picture of how many pieces I've given and packed away in order to love.
I wrote this a couple of years ago... and today I'm feeling the need for the truth that transparency brings. It was as true in 2011 as it is today.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Glorify the giver of life, reject the lie
Is murder a sport? Would having your child's throat slashed be a party game? Yesterday I had a physical response to the embrace of evil.
A beautiful young girl filled with life, hope and promise dressed for Halloween, drawn on her throat a gruesome slash and blood spilling out.
A few yrs ago my daughter had a large hole cut in her neck too, to save her life. There is a huge scar there, in fact it has formed a keloid that continues to grow and when I see it I get teary eyed.
Death, dying and gore... we are playing a dangerous game when our culture embraces the worst things we can possibly imagine as childs play. With the resurgence of a death culture that celebrates vampires, zombies and all sorts of undead creatures. I wonder when did the someones worst day ever become sport for the rest of us.
If you really did experience a day that looked like the things you playact would it not be the worst day in your life?
Oh that we would only exalt life and the beauty of it. That we would be purposeful in enjoying it. That we would give ourselves to living and creating beauty in those around us.
That we would recognize this cultural switch for what it is, exalting evil and one who comes to kill, steal and destroy.
That in darkness we would lift up, exalt and fix our eyes on the giver of life.
I will lift up my eyes to the hills from whence cometh my help, my help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.
A beautiful young girl filled with life, hope and promise dressed for Halloween, drawn on her throat a gruesome slash and blood spilling out.
A few yrs ago my daughter had a large hole cut in her neck too, to save her life. There is a huge scar there, in fact it has formed a keloid that continues to grow and when I see it I get teary eyed.
Death, dying and gore... we are playing a dangerous game when our culture embraces the worst things we can possibly imagine as childs play. With the resurgence of a death culture that celebrates vampires, zombies and all sorts of undead creatures. I wonder when did the someones worst day ever become sport for the rest of us.
If you really did experience a day that looked like the things you playact would it not be the worst day in your life?
Oh that we would only exalt life and the beauty of it. That we would be purposeful in enjoying it. That we would give ourselves to living and creating beauty in those around us.
That we would recognize this cultural switch for what it is, exalting evil and one who comes to kill, steal and destroy.
That in darkness we would lift up, exalt and fix our eyes on the giver of life.
I will lift up my eyes to the hills from whence cometh my help, my help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
A little Tuesday Preaching
Just a little Exhortation/Preachin' on a Tuesday. This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!!!
Lessons from my Mom (and Annie),
I'm human and I get sucked in sometimes...I give into distress and absorb its life sucking power.
BUT, I have one overwhelming blessing in my life. I know what a true bad day looks like. I know what it looks like to live and not even be ...able to wipe your own nose, to wait for someone else to have time to take you to the restroom. I know what it looks like to experience pain every single day, the overwhelming kind that makes people cry. I know what it looks like to throw up day after day, year after year. I know what it looks like to see children all around me dying, I know what it looks like to watch a parent slowly disappear, never to return.
Perspective, you've changed my life, from a moody young woman given to whims of emotion. Perspective you've taught me that bad moments, sad moments, losses and pain are not my enemy, they don't last forever. I can choose to embrace them, to gather strength, to love, to forgive, to believe in everlasting arms. That I can move forward in tears, that these things are the small victories I can stand on. Knowing each time that God in His mercy knew about today before I even got here.
Lessons from my Mom (and Annie),
I'm human and I get sucked in sometimes...I give into distress and absorb its life sucking power.
BUT, I have one overwhelming blessing in my life. I know what a true bad day looks like. I know what it looks like to live and not even be ...able to wipe your own nose, to wait for someone else to have time to take you to the restroom. I know what it looks like to experience pain every single day, the overwhelming kind that makes people cry. I know what it looks like to throw up day after day, year after year. I know what it looks like to see children all around me dying, I know what it looks like to watch a parent slowly disappear, never to return.
Perspective, you've changed my life, from a moody young woman given to whims of emotion. Perspective you've taught me that bad moments, sad moments, losses and pain are not my enemy, they don't last forever. I can choose to embrace them, to gather strength, to love, to forgive, to believe in everlasting arms. That I can move forward in tears, that these things are the small victories I can stand on. Knowing each time that God in His mercy knew about today before I even got here.
(Of course the day after I wrote this I found myself in tears feeling that I just couldn't move forward from this place, yes I sat myself down and cried out to God to change my perspective.)
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Thankful Musings
Thankful musings
Oh Give Thanks to the Lord for He is Good. His Mercies Endure Forever!
A year ago I was still laying beside Annie as she slept each night begging God for a healing. Sometimes as I prayed the Spirit would fall and I would cry and pray in the Spirit for hours. At times I saw visions, they were like fuel..giving me faith to believe for what I could not see.
Today I am convinced that the full healing will come. I am convinced that I have seen the hand of God at work in ways I could not have comprehended. I have seen the joy of the Lord grow and bloom. It is a beautiful flower, it is the pearl of great price that we seek. This peace in His presence, this joy in His great love.
I would have died had I not believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord!
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