Days Like These

I'm thinking that it would be best if this becomes my diary and no one ever reads this stuff.
Days like these make me wonder. How did I get here. Why did I start a homeschool school? Why did I agree to take 50 kids? Why is mom dying? Why does it bug me so much when she's been sick my whole life? Why do I love to commit myself to things? Why am I not reading a book or watching TV like normal people? Why did I agree to host 37 Chinese students? Why can't I find 10 more host families? Why am I called to homeschool at all? Why do I love to eat so much? Why did my aunt die unexpectedly today? Will my kids hate me when they grow up? Is my life torture to them? Am I warping them when I'm all the phone the entire day doing business? Do you have days like this too?

On days like this I wonder if I'm ruining my children. Warping them for life. Turning them into people who will live on a counselors couch. Sometimes it is like the stars align and it all hits. For days now I've just been keeping my head down and plugging away. For sure it keeps me plugged into the source. You can't hold it all, you have to let Jesus. Trite, like a soundbite, but He is the only way. I was thinking tonight that if nothing else it helps me to press in. To seek His peace, to try out this thing called faith. To believe in something beyond today and beyond myself. Jesus