Paradox

Some days feel so surreal. Lately I have to pinch myself to be sure that this is really how it's all going down. This week found me making calls to both funeral homes and host families one after the other. In one call I'm asking would you like to host a Chinese student for 2 wks and expounding on how much fun it will be. On the next call I'm saying could you give me the price ranges for cremation. Okay, that feels truly wierd. Life and death don't feel very good as bedmates. It has been difficult for me to embrace the excitement of the Chinese kids coming and it has been difficult for me to ever be fully in the moment when I'm sitting with my mom. Maybe that is grace.
I keep thinking that what I really want is to call funeral homes and then cry, journal and read a book. Tonight it struck me that maybe I'm blessed that I can't slow down and do that. Maybe I'm glad that I can't be there all the time with mom. It's not really very much fun. I'm used to being "the one", but maybe in this new phase where I learn to be and not do, I don't want to be the one. Maybe I like standing on the sidelines. Maybe, just maybe I like these new sideline tennis shoes and I'll keep wearing them a bit more.