The Divided Woman

Today as I was driving home I was thinking about how often it seems that as women we begin to feel like we have lost ourselves.  I'm good at finding things, just ask the kids or Doug... life is a litany of, "Mom, do you know where my ____ is?" 

It's no wonder we can only see shadows of who were, and who we thought we would become.  With each passing day we give ourselves away in little pieces.  Pieces that we fully invested ourselves in, pieces of me.  We struggle to connect in meaningful ways with each of our children.  We invest time, attention and heart.  We struggle to be a helpmate to our spouse, leaving behind pieces in order to love him in a meaningful and full way.  Life alternately loves and hates us and we remain resolute in our intention to love those who come into our lives.  

It seems our children become teenagers and find most things about us distasteful just as we feel almost invisible, like we've given it all away.

I find myself struggling to love them all, the little one, the teenage ones, the adult daughter, the granddaughter, the husband.  They all require something different in order to feel loved.  I find myself in an internal struggle to stay in the game, to not call time out. 

So many versions of Heidi, so many pieces of me.  I recently found a box filled with letters all written in my 20's.  It gave me an amazingly clear picture of how many pieces I've given and packed away in order to love. 

 

 

I wrote this a couple of years ago... and today I'm feeling the need for the truth that transparency brings.  It was as true in 2011 as it is today.