Paradox

Some days feel so surreal. Lately I have to pinch myself to be sure that this is really how it's all going down. This week found me making calls to both funeral homes and host families one after the other. In one call I'm asking would you like to host a Chinese student for 2 wks and expounding on how much fun it will be. On the next call I'm saying could you give me the price ranges for cremation. Okay, that feels truly wierd. Life and death don't feel very good as bedmates. It has been difficult for me to embrace the excitement of the Chinese kids coming and it has been difficult for me to ever be fully in the moment when I'm sitting with my mom. Maybe that is grace.
I keep thinking that what I really want is to call funeral homes and then cry, journal and read a book. Tonight it struck me that maybe I'm blessed that I can't slow down and do that. Maybe I'm glad that I can't be there all the time with mom. It's not really very much fun. I'm used to being "the one", but maybe in this new phase where I learn to be and not do, I don't want to be the one. Maybe I like standing on the sidelines. Maybe, just maybe I like these new sideline tennis shoes and I'll keep wearing them a bit more.

A few thoughts in a New Year!

Today I sat, watching Julie and Julia, while folding laundry. That is as close to a few hrs of holiday as I will ever get. I loved the movie and of course it brought to mind so many un-realized dreams. I was already thinking in that vane since it is New Year's day. So, this brought on an indulgence of over-thinking which I am so good at. In fact I can often think myself right into a hole. Some days I just have to refuse to think about anyting of consequence if I am to keep moving.

I was thinking how each of us has so much potential, so many un-realized dreams. My husband dreams of working with alternative energy. He dreams of fuel-less power sources. I dream of owning a restaurant or catering business. I dream of being a motivational speaker. I have dreamt of being a stand-up comic, when I was younger I dreamt that I would be discovered as a singer. I've dreamt of starting a school. I dream of writing a book. I've dreamed a million lesser dreams...I like Julie have long suffered with my dreams all revolving around me. Good or bad I will never be the shy retiring one in the background and neither will my dreams. (I feel a little naked writing this out...these are things you ponder in the dead of night)

Reality falls and I know that besides the cold truth that I probably don't have enough talent to be any of those things, I somehow lack the single minded passion it would require. Again I'm struck with the fact that life is what happens to us on the way to where we were headed. Most days all I can accomplish is what must be done so that the world doesn't fall apart. I find myself longing for things that will never be...the problem with this is that I tend to long for things that don't exist and probably never would. Every so many months I decide to pursue something with passion. After a week of really trying I give up in disgust,tears and deep dispair. I can't be all things to all people, my life is not my own. Time to be thankful for other blessings and try to develop interests around this "phase of my life".

And so, on Monday, like all the other Monday's for the last 9 years I will homeschool my girls, feed and clean behind my family and be grateful. On the days when I don't feel like I can do this anymore I will put on ABBA, dancing queen and dance my way to the next day where, somehow, magically it will all be a bit better