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Some days feel so surreal. Lately I have to pinch myself to be sure that this is really how it's all going down. This week found me making calls to both funeral homes and host families one after the other. In one call I'm asking would you like to host a Chinese student for 2 wks and expounding on how much fun it will be. On the next call I'm saying could you give me the price ranges for cremation. Okay, that feels truly wierd. Life and death don't feel very good as bedmates. It has been difficult for me to embrace the excitement of the Chinese kids coming and it has been difficult for me to ever be fully in the moment when I'm sitting with my mom. Maybe that is grace.
I keep thinking that what I really want is to call funeral homes and then cry, journal and read a book. Tonight it struck me that maybe I'm blessed that I can't slow down and do that. Maybe I'm glad that I can't be there all the time with mom. It's not really very much fun. I'm used to being "the one", but maybe in this new phase where I learn to be and not do, I don't want to be the one. Maybe I like standing on the sidelines. Maybe, just maybe I like these new sideline tennis shoes and I'll keep wearing them a bit more.
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Monday, January 18, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
The strangeness of it all...
An ode to the curse of being a thinker.
I was reading other day that those who fall within the parameters of normal when asked almost always describe themselves as different or abnormal in some way. That those who are a little "abnormal" almost always see themselves are "normal".
Don't we all feel that way. We spent out childhood trying so hard not to be too different for fear of rejection by the group. That fear that someone would notice that our toes turn out a bit as we walk or we lisp. In school heaven forbid that we are just plain different.
As young adults we feel the same way. We want to have style. We want to be hip and well-thought of. We want to be smart, but not so smart that we aren't cool. We want to have fun and go places. We want to tell big stories of our escapades. Whatever you've surrounded yourself with we strive to be that. I was an odd mix in those years. Weekend Tie-dyed Granola Folk, at work suits and heels, part country girl, wanna be classy lady. It was like I was living all the parts of myself in one life. In retrospect, a fascinating paradox.
My 30's brought the mother years and with it more parts of myself. The others didn't really go away, but I had no more time to be more granola than a well-worn pair of birks, no suits and heels, I finally gave up the illusion of becoming one of those classy gals who I admire so. Frankly there is nothing scarier than a young mom teetering along in heels with 3 kids in tow. :) I began to do and not be. I did the things I wanted to and wore the same sweatshirt, jeans and tennis shoes for everything. These have been good years. I've gotten to DO so many things.
Now as I approach my 40's it seems that I wish to change again. I wish to do less and BE more again. I'm curious to see how this will come about. There is a sense that after the busiest years of baby's I wish to enjoy the moment. I wish to be again in a whole new way. I am yearning to re-discover some of my left-behind youthful pleasures. So, here's to my journey and yours.
May we be found faithful.
I was reading other day that those who fall within the parameters of normal when asked almost always describe themselves as different or abnormal in some way. That those who are a little "abnormal" almost always see themselves are "normal".
Don't we all feel that way. We spent out childhood trying so hard not to be too different for fear of rejection by the group. That fear that someone would notice that our toes turn out a bit as we walk or we lisp. In school heaven forbid that we are just plain different.
As young adults we feel the same way. We want to have style. We want to be hip and well-thought of. We want to be smart, but not so smart that we aren't cool. We want to have fun and go places. We want to tell big stories of our escapades. Whatever you've surrounded yourself with we strive to be that. I was an odd mix in those years. Weekend Tie-dyed Granola Folk, at work suits and heels, part country girl, wanna be classy lady. It was like I was living all the parts of myself in one life. In retrospect, a fascinating paradox.
My 30's brought the mother years and with it more parts of myself. The others didn't really go away, but I had no more time to be more granola than a well-worn pair of birks, no suits and heels, I finally gave up the illusion of becoming one of those classy gals who I admire so. Frankly there is nothing scarier than a young mom teetering along in heels with 3 kids in tow. :) I began to do and not be. I did the things I wanted to and wore the same sweatshirt, jeans and tennis shoes for everything. These have been good years. I've gotten to DO so many things.
Now as I approach my 40's it seems that I wish to change again. I wish to do less and BE more again. I'm curious to see how this will come about. There is a sense that after the busiest years of baby's I wish to enjoy the moment. I wish to be again in a whole new way. I am yearning to re-discover some of my left-behind youthful pleasures. So, here's to my journey and yours.
May we be found faithful.
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