'Cause that's just how I roll

Most people would not know about me that I have trouble making myself make phone calls. That I have anxiety about talking to people. That I often want to just stay home and hide.

I often wonder about the difference between me and the person who progressively gets more afraid of the world and ceases to function.

I have a game I play with myself. If I'm feeling like pulling in and shutting the lid I tell myself. "Heidi, you can read for 1 hr if you will call the homeschool group and get the stuff ready for AWANA. I actually make myself lists and make bargains with myself. I decided a few years back that this was a fairly functional way of dealing with my fears that creep in sometimes.

Do you make bargains with yourself? Well, I do, cause that's just how I roll. :)

The strangeness of it all...

An ode to the curse of being a thinker.
I was reading other day that those who fall within the parameters of normal when asked almost always describe themselves as different or abnormal in some way. That those who are a little "abnormal" almost always see themselves are "normal".

Don't we all feel that way. We spent out childhood trying so hard not to be too different for fear of rejection by the group. That fear that someone would notice that our toes turn out a bit as we walk or we lisp. In school heaven forbid that we are just plain different.

As young adults we feel the same way. We want to have style. We want to be hip and well-thought of. We want to be smart, but not so smart that we aren't cool. We want to have fun and go places. We want to tell big stories of our escapades. Whatever you've surrounded yourself with we strive to be that. I was an odd mix in those years. Weekend Tie-dyed Granola Folk, at work suits and heels, part country girl, wanna be classy lady. It was like I was living all the parts of myself in one life. In retrospect, a fascinating paradox.

My 30's brought the mother years and with it more parts of myself. The others didn't really go away, but I had no more time to be more granola than a well-worn pair of birks, no suits and heels, I finally gave up the illusion of becoming one of those classy gals who I admire so. Frankly there is nothing scarier than a young mom teetering along in heels with 3 kids in tow. :) I began to do and not be. I did the things I wanted to and wore the same sweatshirt, jeans and tennis shoes for everything. These have been good years. I've gotten to DO so many things.

Now as I approach my 40's it seems that I wish to change again. I wish to do less and BE more again. I'm curious to see how this will come about. There is a sense that after the busiest years of baby's I wish to enjoy the moment. I wish to be again in a whole new way. I am yearning to re-discover some of my left-behind youthful pleasures. So, here's to my journey and yours.
May we be found faithful.

May we be found faithful...

A bit of background is probably in order. First I am a Christian, I feel passionate about the purpose for which we exist. I'm pretty type A. I tend to think there is a right way to do everything. I'm driven, depsite the fact that I'll probably never be anything on the list in my last blog I am constantly under fire in my own head to get something done. Some of this is condidtioning. My mother was very ill throughout my entire childhood and I basically raised my siblings from about age 8. So, I understand fully that if I don't do it, no one else will. Some of it is my natural tendency in life, the way I came to the world. I'm also firstborn, so birth order isn't on my side either.

I was dropping dinner to a friend the other night after cleaning the entire day at a building that the homeschool coop uses once a week. I realized that I've come to be dissatisfied with how I am in the world. Years ago I figured out that I sabotage myself by always creating some new venture to help people out only to get "stuck holding the sack." The problem is that I love doing each thing. I love being part of why God put us on the planet. I love being His hands and feet. I don't understand though why no one else seems to feel this burning passion too. As I've aged I've realized that maybe no one else feels it the way I do. I'm not sure yet if this is good or bad. I've met a few other people like this and I've been unable to detect that they've found a balance in their lives. I've always been prone to take the harder road. I come by that honestly, you should have met my mom. Each time I promise myself that I won't take on so much, then I find myself at the time of decision. I ask myself, is this a worthy endeavor? Will anyone else pick up the cause? You know the saying if not you who? If not now when? Anytime it has to do with blessing others I find myself committed.

The problem to me is this...as a Christian I alway feel such urgency that the Lord's work move forward. I've taken to praying about each decision, but frankly despite my advanced spiritual state...(hee hee, that's a joke) I'm often left asking and not knowing, although to be honest sometimes it is very clear.

I was just sitting here thinking about it and I have to say that although I'm still finding balance in who God made me I've grown too. I no longer take on rescue projects. Thank you God for how you grow us in your mercy.

May we be found faithful...