Things you can't post on facebook

Oh how I miss watching my Annie run, play and laugh.  At night as I rub out her body I beg the Lord that tomorrow she would walk without thinking she'll fall over, hug without pain, eat without throwing up...  I ask for a miracle.  I think of all the other mommies around the world asking for miracles, that their children would have food or that this round of chemo would kill cancer forever.  I know I am not alone. 
Such sorrow, Such joy... I cry a mix of exhaustion and thankfulness.  Oh how we have been blessed.  She is here with me.  I was surrounded by people who carried my burdens, fed my family, paid my bills and did not let us fall.  I was allowed to bring my precious girl home.

I am tired, this is a life-altering burden.  It often feels like physical pain.  I struggle with the sea of hurt that washes over me each time I watch another person experience the type of trauma we have.  I find I can't seperate myself from their pain.  Some things are just life altering and all I can do is trust. 

Just a few things you can't post on Facebook...

"Americans LOVE CHILDREN"

All my Chinese Children left on Thursday. I'm trying to figure out a recovery plan, but that will be difficult based on the number of things I've let slide over the past 2 months.

My mom died 3 days after the students arrived. I felt like parts of me did too. I kept focusing on how much mom believed in what I was doing. I haven't cried yet. I feel like I need to. Now it's been 2 weeks and I can't figure out how to start the tears. I think they'll come at some point. I only feel numb and exhausted. Kinda shut-down. I'm going through motions that I don't feel. But, kids and life continue. There are chores to do and memories to be made. Today we sat with Pastor Warren to pick out the order for my mom's funeral. Boy it feels wierd to say those words. Funeral.

Clear up until the end mom was so excited about the Chinese kids coming. She told me one day, "that her new hospice nurse was a really nice lady", so she had asked her if she would like to host a student. That's what is so great about mom's they totally buy into your life like that. :)

One of the Chinese ladies who came with this group said to me, "American's sure like kids". You know that is true for the most part. When you sort through the blogs on here, they are mostly people who love their kids. People who love other people's children. My mom loved kids. She had no greater passion in her life. She found pure joy bound up in their little souls.
A friend paid my the biggest compliment ever when she said that I continue her legacy. I do love children, yours, mine and those who belong to nobody.
May we be found faithful!