The weight of it...

What I am about to write will cause most of you to have very deep opinions. People tend to live on one side of this debate or the other.  Those who have crossed from one side to the other feel that it is a character flaw to accept this lifestyle.  Those who are naturally on one side or the other find themselves in polarizing viewpoints.  Those who see this as a deficit in my life, those who see me perpetuating a bad lifestyle within my family.


I wrote this back in January... I didn't intend to publish it at all, but after a moment of truth on facebook, I've decided it is time.


I am a fluffy, chubby or baldly stated FAT woman.  I am tired of being silenced by those who find my chubbiness a character flaw.  I am tired of being silenced by those who run to live, those who wish to discuss my sin. 
Maybe, I am most likely to speak out because I have not spent a lifetime overweight, I was not trained to be silent.  I grew up thin... and hungry.  I grew up saying no to everything, no I don't eat sauce, I don't eat donuts.  I don't eat...  I grew up in shame... hating it all, the shape of my leg, the roundness of my face.


My mom who loved all things, could not love herself.  She wished to be thinner, she wished to be more sexy and at the same time disdained the sexy side of life as not glorifying the God whom we loved and served.  She ultimately spend a lifetime being hungry and trying to love the body God gave her, always falling short, always looking sideways at the skinny girls.  I never once heard her say that she loved her body.  She felt it was a moral failing to be fat, to be imperfect in this way.  I remember thinking that I would find my way out of shame.


I make you uncomfortable when I say I'm fat.  I make you even more uncomfortable when I say I don't mind.  This amazing body has given me such a great life.  I have been so blessed with health.  You find it hard to believe me...  You can't understand how I can love this body just as it is, I know that loving who my body naturally wants to be has been a gift.  I know that living, eating, breathing has given me grace.


You will say that I'm encouraging unhealthy behavior with these words... I say we all need to hike, walk, stretch, sweat and love.  Strength is my friend and I will continue strength building behaviors.  I know that in the days ahead I will thinner at times and you will wonder... but to be sure I am passing the halfway point of life and my days of being silent have ended.  If in the future I find myself at a weight that does not read obese on the chart it will not be because I have dedicated myself to a not-eating plan or to body pounding exercise that I must perform 7 times a week.  It will be because life has come full circle as it often does.